Tale of Tales
Quotes (part 2)
Prince of the Sands
Will: You’re sitting on top of flaming hot metal.
Alisha: Safer than scorpions!
Dyami: What’s Jon’s class?
Jon: Nobody knows.
Jon: Nobody knows!
Dyami: Oh man, battleminds are awesome!
Jon: Nobody knows!!!
Lucas: …when Jon exploded everything. Twice.
Jon: I enjoyed doing that once in a while.
Will: Everybody needs a good explody moment.
Jon: I killed it with my face!
He’s a veteran. He’s soloed 3 parties alone. He’s the great scorpion champion… he’s Sand Scorpion 3! One more party and he earns a name. -Keegan is starting to root for this guy
(after using a stick of grissini bread as a bad-pun bat)
Alisha: You guys need to stop making puns. Rob’s going to eat all of my grissini.
Rob: I’m hungry!
Dyami: I might as well make Dante an assassin tank.
Rob: An assasstank? -A shenk!
Jon: Trying to decide if I should finish him off, or just sit down ‘cause everyone else attacked him.
Alisha: Just finish him off!
Jon: But then I’d have to come up with a witty one-liner.
Alisha: Gonna punch this guy in the face.
Rob: Do it, then.
Alisha: Hang on, trying to decide what kind of punch to use.
Dante: Wow this cow is dense. (About Tharak)
So… one of the greatest inventions of all time was born out of laziness? -Will
No one’s going to believe the story he spins for this one. -Adam
They never said they wanted a believeable story. -Will
Is that how things are going to work? We’re going to piss Val off and she’s going to start throwing things at Garret? -Will
Sorry, I’m just so used to writing ‘Garret’. He’s her whipping boy – you know, she punishes him with the wrench whenever anyone else misbehaves. -Chris
This could be fun! -Jon
I’m not just a character in a book! -Jon
You’re a footnote. -Chris
With all his equipment, he weighs around 450 pounds. -Will
Yeah, no one’s picking you up, hon. -Alisha
Why not?! -Will
If Val leaves, Shieldwing will never wake up again. -Rob
That’s not true. Her sister could always bring pie. Never underestimate the power of pie. -Will
Dante can’t be sober. His body gradually produces its own alcohol. It’s like how, if people go hungry, they’ll break down muscle and stuff, well in his case his body will break down into alcohol. -Will
He’ll start to ferment. -Rob
I’ll dump my armor on her, use it to pin her down. Sit, stay. -Will
You’ll end up with a fully functional Gundam on your hands if you do that and leave her alone long enough. -Alisha
This is D&D! It’s primitive! You don’t have the technology! -Will
She’s Tony Stark. Put her in a cave with scrap metal and primitive tools and you’ll get Iron Man. -Alisha
You’re far too well-behaved to be Tony Stark. -Chris
She’s going to end up with an arc reacter at some point during this game. -Alisha
So Shieldwing and Tharak, the two largest body-mass people in the party, are having a drinking contest. -Rob
That sounds dangerous. Also expensive. -Jon
Calen’s paying. -Will
We’ve already talked about Skittles; we don’t need to add vomit to the mix. -Rob
If I throw up, will it be lightning? -Will
Acid and lightning damage! -Dan
I don’t think it’ll be blast 3. -Rob
So can I vomit-breath on them? -Will
No, you cannot use it as an improvised weapon! -Rob
I’m going to pass out in that wagon as soon as I find it. -Will
Not if I find it first! -Jon
Oh, it’s on! -Will
Garret owns his own “business”… -Adam
No you don’t, you steal your own business. -Will spots a thief
What makes you think I’m an assassin? -Dan
You were awfully quick to shoot that child… -Will
No one likes children! -Adam
Careful, you’re awfully child-like yourself… -Dan
Val is an instigator now. -Will
No, Val is just resourceful. -Alisha
That translates to instigator. -Will
Garret: we could borrow one of the wagons and return it later
Calen: Probably a lot of stuff we could borrow. Couldn’t grab it until this evening though. Val would have a fit also.
Garret: …I meant with permission.
Calen: oh…right. We could try that.
Shieldwing (OOC): Because if not, I’m taking my armor off
Val (OOC): Oooh! Oooh!
Shieldwing (OOC): I’m not dead! You can’t have it!
Kira (OOC): Just saying, this is basically a “Just shouldn’t be happening. Why the hell did fate do this to me?” moment.
DM (OOC): Noted, I’ll lodge it with the fate complaint office.
DM: …Drinks imbibed. Will our heroes regret their hangovers? Find out next time on Tale-of-Tales!
Does that mean you’re going to give us a hangover penalty? -Will
MUAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH! …maybe. -Rob
You’re calling Dante a sane man?! What is this? Lies! -Dyami
Lucas: It reminds me of that time in the last campaign when the dragon ate me.
Alisha: You made that dragon eat you, though.
Will: Yeah, remember you’re not Sigurd any more.
Lucas: I know. I’m still bite-sized. [beat] That’s horrifying…
Alisha: You’re talking to the dragon because its spirit animal is named “Because”?
Alisha: See, if Gaunak had done the sacrifice on his own [instead of recruiting two other party members to die as well], then he would have been dead for good, and he wouldn’t have been able to kill Rasya later, and then Rasya wouldn’t have been in the Raven Queen’s realm to guide Eric back when he died.
Will: So what you’re saying is, I should kill party members more often!
Alisha: You know you guys love Cade.
Lucas: So nice, you have to kill him twice.
Will: You’re a halfling, Garret. A box is all you need.
Chris: Actually, I prefer to give him a coffin.
Dan: Stop. Giving. The DM. Ideas!
Will: Well, I’m already screwed. I might as well take the rest of you down with me.
Will: This is proof that I was kidnapped for manual labor.
Alisha: Well, yes, but you volunteered.
Will: Kidnapped is the exact opposite of volunteer!
Jon: You could try picking the minotaur’s pocket.
Alisha: There, I can pick the minotaur’s pocket.
Rob: Our paragon of anti-criminal behavior, everyone.
Jon: Be careful, I might throw you.
Will: You can throw her?
Jon: I don’t know, I’m inebriated.
Adam: She’s not stealing it, she’s borrowing it.
Will: You can’t borrow something and then disassemble it!
Will: I give up, I’m just going to be luggage from now on.
Rob: Hey, the luggage was an important character in Discworld.
Chris: It’s really cool, it travels anywhere and is very overprotective of its owner and it even folds your laundry!
Will: I’m not folding your underwear.
Chris: No, you’d probably be folding Val’s underwear.
Will: I’m not folding Val’s underwear either!
Chris: That’s between you and her.
Will: Don’t give her ideas!
Rob: What kind of DM takes things a player says and runs with them?
Alisha: Not our DM, because he’s awesome and kind and gives us cake and hugs!
Rob: Oh, there will be cake. Mwah-ha-ha-hah…
Adam: We’re gonna die.
Will: We are all gonna die and Val is going to be somehow responsible.
Chris: You’re not supposed to tell him that! Tell him it requires special water conditions!
Alisha: I’m not going to tell him it requires water – it’s raining!
Chris: Lots of water! Oceans!
Will: Well aren’t we special?
Will: What, so Calen’s your kidnapped laborer now?
Alisha: Yeah! You’re my kidnapped pillow.
Will: I’ve been your kidnapped everything!
Rob: You’re still fine. Well, as fine as a dying person can be.
Chris: I feel wonderful!
Will: If I had a certain halfling up here I could hit him…
Adam: I am not an improvised throwing weapon!
Chris: You didn’t get touched until you wanted to get touched!
That reminds me of a sign I saw in my barber shop: “Answers: $1. Correct answers: $5. Blank stares: Still free.” -Lucas
Will: Are you sure you don’t want me in front?
Chris: I have more healing surges.
Will: Pssh, healing surges. I don’t need healing surges. Delrid is my healing surge.
Rob: You do realize you need to hit with the blade part of the rapier, right? The stabby part?
Lucas: Nonsense! You’re supposed to hold onto the stabby part and hit with the blunt part. Just like a hammer! That’s how precision weapons are supposed to work.
Rob: When gravity levels up, you’re all doomed.
Lucas: What happens when gravity levels up? Times-two gravity?
Rob: I think the aura just gets bigger. Wait until it gets a damage effect, though – then you’re all screwed.
Lucas: What happens at epic tier?
Dyami: You’re all diamonds.
See, this is all just Val learning how much armor you can remove before it turns into female armor: all the protection for 1/4 the metal! By the end of this campaign you’ll end up wearing a breastplate – and that is not a euphamism. -Rob
Will: I don’t think Delrid is chewy and delicious…
Lucas: I dunno, I think Sigurd was pretty tasty, but I’m pretty sure he caused indigestion. Of the hammer variety.
Adam: We have no divine characters in our party.
Will: I have a hammer.
Adam: Does it do radiant damage?
Will: No, but it hammers things.
Shieldwing: Look, Val’s learning not to run out front!
Val: Being a pincushion hurts!
Lucas: I’m curious to see what a fuzzy Sigurd would look like.
Alisha: You mean a staticky Sigurd?
Lucas: Yeah, that.
Alisha: Like Sigurd, but with static.
DM: I don’t think you can flank something from the inside.
Will: Why not?!
Delrid: I wasn’t going to use it on Shieldwing because he already has too much AC.
Shieldwing: You can never have too much AC!
Dan: You’ve got friends.
Will: You’ve got mail!
Chris: You’ve got death.
On the plus side, at least she’s not being molested by oozes. -Will
I have equal-opportunity oozes. -Rob
Lucas: You can’t hit me!
DM: Why not?
Lucas: Because I haven’t been hit yet, and getting hit would be silly!
DM: 21 vs AC.
Lucas: Yeah, that hits….
Dyami: Assassins are squishy.
Dan: Speak for yourself.
Alisha: They have the lowest hit die in the game.
Dan: Speak for yourself.
Alisha: You’re not a real assassin, Dan.
I think the middle is perfectly safe. …You can go first. -Chris
I’m just waiting for the magic hand in the sky to start dropping traps on us. -Will
Will: Shieldwing just wants to see Garret get hit in the head with a wrench again.
Adam: Good to know you have my best interests in mind.
Will: I loathe you for violating me.
Rob: Loathe… or love? You know, they’re so very close…
Alisha: So Garret is helping us out?
Adam: Yeah, I’ve been volun-told to help you out.
Rob: That is one dead skeleton! …So, just like all the other ones, but not moving.
Rob: So what is Dante doing?
Dyami: Dante is pouting because he doesn’t have anyone to kill.
Rob: Temple skeleton is dead, Tharak is not.
Jon: I like not being dead.
Rob: Have you tried it, being dead?
Will: Oh God, what have I created?
Alisha: I told you, you’re going to end up with a Val-Tony Stark Iron Woman before the end of the game.
Will: I just wanna say right now, that I take no responsibility for what Val does in the future.
Will: There’s three named enemies, and they’ve all got different colors!
Alisha: They’re color-coded for your convenience.
Will: For my death!
Adam: I’m in the front? I thought we were going in the other direction!
Dan: Adam got Jon-itis…
Adam: Garret’s hiding.
Will: Garret, there’s treasure…
Adam: What? Did someone say treasure?
Lucas: You can’t always get what you want.
Rob: But if you try sometimes, you might just find that the DM’s a dick.
Will: Garret’s already in the room [full of fire] before the rest of us even realize there’s treasure.
Adam: No, Garret’s flammable.
Shieldwing (OOC):Geez! What’s wrong with you!
Garret (OOC): I’m small!
Tharak gets engulfed by a slime
Garret: Get off him!
slime vanishes from passing teleportation threshold
Calen: Wow Gerret!
Garret: I sure told that slime, huh?
Calen Yeah… how did you do that?
Garret: I know a little magic. My father was a great and powerful magician. He taught me everything I know
Val: Y’know Garret, you’re the shortest
Val: The more you pile it up the closer it gets to your mouth…
Boom! Everyone went flying! …And by everyone I mean three people, but I don’t care! -Rob
Silence is golden… unless you have toddlers, in which case silence is very, very suspicious. -Will
Silence is golden, duct tape is silver. -Lucas
Chris: We only have one ranged person.
Adam: I’m short range!
Dan: You’re short.
Rob: Things will get interesting.
Will: No, things will get dangerous.
Rob: He’s granting combat advantage, he’s dazed, he’s prone, shrouded, marked… This is one unhappy skeleton.
Alisha: You know, I’d kind of feel bad for him. Except he’s a skeleton, and he just blew up on my friends.
Will: Do we have rope?
Dan: We always have rope. Why do you need it in the middle of combat?
Will: I want to tie Delrid to the front of my armor so that I can have dwarven armor.
Rob: You know you’re having a bad day when two rogues flank you, and there’s an assassin standing next to you with a shroud on you.
Chris: I really hate this thing. I’m going to hit it.
Rob: It’s shenking time!
rolls a 4
Rob: …No it’s not.
Alisha: Stop giving the DM ideas!
Will: You wouldn’t give me chocolate pretzels!
Well, looks like we lost two party members, guys. …Acceptable loss. -Lucas
Will: I’m as fast as a rock.
Chris: I’ve seen faster rocks.
Alisha: Rob, stop it, stop looking at me like that.
Rob: I’m eating a bagel!
Lucas: I’m short!
Rob: And whose fault is that?
Lucas: My parents’.
Rob: They should’ve sprung for the rack.
Lucas: What do you think a golem-smith is? It’s like necromancy but with metal.
Will: That’s how Garret always ends up getting hit in the face. Or at least… some cranial part of his body.
Will (Shieldwing): If worst comes to worst, we could always attach Shieldwing and Tharak to the wagon.
Jon (Tharak): Why would you suggest that? You’re Shieldwing!
Will: Does Val drool?
Alisha: No. She’s a girl, she’s dignified.
Will: Dignified my ass! Val’s probably the least dignified of this entire group.
Will: Don’t make me sic Val on you.
Lucas: Don’t make me sic your armor on you.
Will: I could take it.
Alisha: Are we level 4?
Lucas: Yes, but you can still be level 3 if you want.
Alisha: No, I’m good with 4.
Lucas: But level 3 has its advantages!
Alisha: Like what?
Lucas: Like… fewer levels to worry about?
Jon: Can I be level 10?
Rob: Only in binary.
Adam: Should I take this item, Bottled Twilight?
Lucas: That depends. Is it the pony, the movie, or something else?
Adam: It’s not a bottle of pony, and it’s not a bottle of terrible book.
Lucas: What if it was a bottle of pony?
Adam: Then I wouldn’t consider taking it.
Will: So what you’re saying is, the Internet is a strawberry.
Lucas: A strawberry purely made of electrons. It’s quite a negative place.
Rob: Shocking, really.
Alisha: Man, that sounds all depressing and ominous and shit.
Will: Val did it.
Lucas: That’s preposterous! If it was something Val did, Sigurd would’ve helped. And I haven’t done anything.
Alisha: You’re not Sigurd any more.
Will: When Val goes into a building and something happens from said building, it’s safe to assume Val was behind it.
Alisha: You guys are horrible.
Lucas: I’d have to agree with him.
Will: Can you blame him?
Rob: Just because he’s right, jeez…
Val brandishes a wrench at an NPC
Val: You shut up for a second.
Will: Should I be worried about Val ever having kids?
Alisha: Nah, if she has kids she’ll spoil them rotten.
Will: …with a wrench?
Alisha: You were in the middle of an intimidate check, of course you look like a demon.
Will: No, I look like a dragon. (Pouty voice) There’s a difference!
Adam: Our party is quite diplomatic…
Alisha: That’s because you’re letting Val, Shieldwing, and Tharak do the diplomacy.
Will: I am trained in Intimidate, which is a diplomatic skill.
Will: Tharak has feelings, it’s so cute!
Jon: Who told you this?!
Alisha: Of course you can’t forget Cade, he was your rival.
Lucas: That and I cut off his hand. Fingers. Thing.
Jon: And you killed him.
Lucas: And I killed him. One and a half times.
Lucas: No, I’ll build it like a normal person, so I don’t accidentally make it walk away.
Will: Of course we want to get drunk again. What else are we going to do?
Will: That’s what I always do at the end of the session. It’s like the cherry of the cream on top.
Lucas: As long as he doesn’t start kicking babies…
Will: Well, sometimes we can’t tell the difference between babies and gnomes, so they get mixed up.
Val: Sentient armor, I like it.
Prince Boji: I don’t, at least not if it’s got teeth and I’m in them.
Will: I’m slowly being converted into living furniture.
Lucas: Living furniture, and sentient armor. Two different things.
Dyami: You’ll get to be a dragonborn couch!
Will: Just what I’ve always wanted to be, a couch.
Calen: Yeah, a crate of bad apples we are.
Dyami: We’re not bad apples. We’re just… slightly fermented ones.
DM: And in time I can make applesauce. :D
Will: I’m surprised Garret even wants to come. Demons in the city, dead bodies everywhere…
Adam: No one’s checked their pockets yet!
Adam: Garret is totally lawful!
Will: Garret is short.
Dyami: Dan and I are getting ourselves killed. It was Dan’s plan, so I blame him. It was the best plan available, except for not getting killed.
Will: Are you cowering back there?
Alisha: No! I’m protecting people.
Will: Is that what they call it now?
Will: Jesus would turn water into a Klondike bar.