Tale of Tales
Quotes (part 5)
Blast to the Past
Will: Val’s carry load is 170 pounds. Does she want to try carrying Shieldwing?
Will: What would that put her at?
Garret: The hospital!
Lucas: I may not have +6 to my defenses, but I’m still a dwarf!
Will: Half a dwarf. You don’t have a beard.
Rob: I don’t appreciate this, you guys actually using your defender properly. When did you start doing that?
(while fixing a damaged wagon)
Delrid: He-e-e-ey, Shieldwing—
Delrid: But you don’t even know what I’m going to ask!
Shieldwing: I’ll use you as a wheel!
Delrid: I wasn’t even going to use you as a wheel! I was going to use you as a horse, to pull the wagon.
Will: That was an actual wagon. This is more like a carriage.
Lucas: Eh, tomato, uhh… gazebo?
Garret: Not metal enough? How much more metal can you get than a horse made out of wolves?
(When the DM describes the approaching hostile group:)
Lucas: Mismatched armor? Knows how to handle themselves? It’s an adventuring party! You can’t fool me.
Adam: We’re in the past. Everything’s larger, even the women.
Lucas: Except for dwarves. They’re shorter.
Will: They’re shorter, but wider.
Rob: So what you’re saying is, you’re in Texas.
Calen: What’s more valuable, your life or your honor?
Shieldwing: Don’t offer him honor – they always take honor!
(Discussing whether frying pans make good weapons)
Rob: Actually, if you need an impromptu weapon, something heavy, metal, and with a handle is a pretty good choice.
Will: And then after you can cook with it!
Rob: …Maybe not cook with it.
Alisha: Why not?
Rob: Okay, depending on how well you used it as a weapon, you might not want to cook with it.
Lucas: Did someone say ‘murder a king’? I’m not a suspect!
Rob: It’s like Pringles: once you pop, you can’t stop!
Lucas: I’m going for the triple achievement.
Lucas: There should be an achievement called “That’s Not a Martini!” for getting another character to drink battery acid.
Lucas: Anyone can fly. It’s only a matter of how long and at what speed.
Tolan: Each dragon posessed the ability to create a Dragolin, one of the Winged Dragonborn, though the process is not told other than it somehow involves having a dragon’s favor and some kind of ritual transference of power.
Alisha: I totally misread it and thought that said “flavor”, and I was like, do you have to lick them or what…?
Lucas: Dragonbreath flavor! Everyone knows blue is the best flavor.
Will: And yellow is nasty.
(while discussing an alternate reality where dragonborn were created as servants with an instinct to obey):
Will: Now I have this picture of Delrid with a bunch of dragonborn going “Dance, puppets, dance!”
Lucas: That’s absurd. It’d be more like, “Here drink this. I wanna try something.”
Lucas: Well, first I’d have to distill dragon blood, then do some tests, then do human trials, then inject it into myself.
Will: Why does this sound like it’s going to result in “The Fly”?
Alisha: Because it’s going to result in “The Fly”.
Lucas: Process, Will. Process. Also, I just realized how bad it is that I specified “human trials”, and I’m a dwarf.
Will: Tastes like apple juice, kills like cyanide!
Lucas: That’s a great catchphrase!
Dyami: Dante has a +20 to alcoholism.
Lucas: Hey Shieldwing. I’m going to need you to step into this thing that may or may not be a crystal.
Lucas: Hey, I said please.
Lucas: Okay, okay. I’ll meet you halfway. I’ll draw some of your blood, then you step into the crystal.
Dyami: I can be a girl for a day! Aren’t there spells for that?
Will: I think all you’d really need is a good Disguise check. Should Dante use apples or oranges?
Dyami: Dante is more of an oranges girl. He’s definitely not a grapefruit girl, but I think he’d be an orange girl.
Dan: Kira bows to the woman. She comes over to Shieldwing and tries to push him towards the group.
Shieldwing: Gah, what is with you today, normally you just skulk around and shoot children.
Lucas: Delrid would not be able to make toast without burning the house down because he used too much lava.
(After a discussion about who would survive being pushed off a cliff, when the last player arrives)
DM: Well, now that we’re all here, let’s begin. With fewer 100-foot cliffs, perhaps.
Rob: How many Vals does it take to drive a true fey crazy?
Adam: None – they’re all already insane. No, wait, we’re in the past. They’re not crazy yet. We’re about to find out what made them crazy.
Will: Val, stop it.
(While discussing how to signal “I’ll call you” in an era without phones)
Alisha: How would you even signal carrier pigeon?
Rob: You’d signal writing on a tiny piece of paper, rolling it up, sticking it onto the pigeon’s leg, and throwing it into the air.
Will: War, what is it good for? Making lots of money!
Lucas: Delrid and Val accidentally walk into the same room to set up their labs. Two hours later: “So, Jaegers?”
Alisha: You really think it’d take two hours to ask about Jaegers?
Lucas: No, two hours to finish one.
Will: Is Garret trying to stealthily steal food?
Lucas: He tried to stealthily drink battery acid; I wouldn’t put it past him.
Will: I think Garret is just going around putting things in his mouth.
Shieldwing: Calen cooked?
Calen: Yes, I cooked.
Shieldwing: Calen can cook??
Calen: Well, sorta.
Garret: It’s edible.
Everyone: Oooh, burn!
Alisha: (ooc) Actually, that’s a good question. On a scale from charcoal to gourmet, how exactly is Calen’s cooking?
Chris: On a scale from charcoal to gourmet, this has gotta be McDonald’s.
Will: McDonald’s in what country? Because some McDonald’s are really really nice.
Lucas: I think Shieldwing’s right not to trust Calen’s pies.
Adam: Why, did Delrid help make them?
Lucas: I think there would be a lot less house left if Delrid had helped make them.
Adam: They’d be sentient pies.
Rob: Or they’d just power something.
Rob: Val, Shieldwing is asking you to work on his teeth…
Delrid: I wanna help!
Will: Oh god, this is going to result in Shieldwing getting lockjaw.
Delrid: Okay, if it was me, the house wouldn’t burn down. It would explode and collapse. Two completely different scenarios.
(After Val stuns, dazes, and slows an enemy all in one blow:)
Lucas: She found its off switch.
Shieldwing (OOC): I want to do insight to see if I believe him
[Shieldwing rolls insight, rolls a 2]
Shieldwing (OOC): I totally believe him
[Val rolls insight, rolls a 2]
Val (OOC): So do I
Shieldwing (OOC): Wait, saving throw to see if it is delicious
[Shieldwing rolls an 11]
Shieldwing (OOC): …it is acceptable
Val (the monk) heads out to the market and looks around.
Garret (the thief) also heads out to the market to “look around”
Lucas: If I heal Kira, she’ll just get hurt again. I don’t want to encourage her.
Dan: Best healer in this group.
Lucas: Yup! Technically correct.
Dyami: They all want to go into my darkness!
Dan: So we can all attack the darkness now?
Dyami: I’m going to use Gloom Thief—
Alisha: Did you say Gluten Thief?!?
Dyami: GLOOM thief. Gloom!
Rob: ’I’m stealing all your bread!’
Lucas: Hey, if I put a potion on the ground, and they happen to drink it, and I survey them afterwards, I’m in the right.
Rob: Quite the paragon of moral standing, this group is.
Rob: So how many of you have died while I was gone?
Lucas: None. Absolutely no one has died. And I haven’t given them a potion with questionable effects or gene splicing at all.
Will: Did you kill it?
Dan: No! You left too many hit points in it.
Will: It’s not my job to do damage!
Will: Does that mean Dante is Alfred from Batman with a greatsword?
Shieldwing: Why can I totally picture Val making superman poses while going “whoosh” as she runs?
DM: Becasue she’s Freakazoid.
DM: Jet packs are no substitute for a stealth roll.
(After our assassin, known for an (unintentional) attack on small children, goes all-out in a fight:)
Will: I wonder if there’s dire children around here.
Rob: They’re called adults.
Dante, already invisible and insubstantial, gets a 40 on his Stealth check.
Will: So is Dante lost in time and space?
Rob: Dante is now in the realm of lost socks.
(After Val rolls a nat 1 on an attack after blinding/dazing/slowing an enemy last turn)
Alisha: She’s still shaking eye goop off her fingers.
Will: Ewww! …Are you sure she’s not licking it off?
Alisha: EEEEEEWWWWW NO.
Will: Val’s done a lot of things she wouldn’t have done at the start of the campaign.
Alisha: Okay, yeah, but even as far gone as she is she’s still not licking eye goop off her fingers!
Dan: This would be a “why do so many have to die” kind of thing.
Dyami: Oh. Yeah. Well. Meh.
DM: Nobody in the tent seems to object to the mountain lion in their midst, but you can tell it’s been that kind of day.
Will: Well, of course they don’t object. It’s a mountain lion. What are you going to do, tell it “shoo”?
(About Val’s inability to be a winged dragonborn in disguise because she’d have been blown off her feet by now:)
DM: It doesn’t matter what your Strength and Dex scores are if you have more lift than weight.