Tale of Tales
Quotes (part 4)
Future of Ruin
Shieldwing: I CAN EAT PIE AGAIN!
Garret: I was busy saving a desert kingdom… These guys helped.
Commaner Tolan:(watching Garret) I will admit to a curiousity, if you are willing to indulge. I must wonder what your thoughts are on why I’m going to let you walk out of here Mister Garret.
Garret: Because I can get out of here a lot faster than you can in that plate armor.
The wrench impacts Drenar who shatters into shards on the ground.
Val blinks again.
Val: That… was not supposed to happen… Garret doesn’t shatter.
Val: Hey, I’m not scary!
Garret: You are when you get wrench-crazy.
Dante: Delrid, do you know anything about trees?
Delrid: …I know they burn in lava.
Adam (OOC): Does Delrid know this from experimentation?
Alisha (OOC): Yes! Scientific process.
Adam (OOC): Experiment 1: Oak.
Lucas (OOC): Experiment 47: Ent.
Lucas: Even though Delrid is an alchemist, I have the feeling he’s a terrible cook. I just see him burning everything. “I’ll just try making a dessert. No one can screw up a dessert! screws up dessert”.
Rob: Ice cream flambe!
Adam: He burns the jello.
Will: No, I’d imagine him turning jello into a giant gelatinous creature that eats people. That’s how they started – Delrid created the first gelatinous cube.
Lucas: I demand this be made canon!
Rob: No, you don’t get any cannons, I remember what happened last time.
Will: We fired Delrid out of it?
Will: Does Val ever know where she’s going?
Will: …We’re doomed.
Lucas: It’s not a matter of actually knowing where you’re going, it’s a matter of convincing enough people to follow you.
Shieldwing: Val, we have to keep quiet, otherwise something might kill Garret.
Dante: Shieldwing, there is no reason for you to kill Garret, mind your manners.
Garret nods in agreement, then hides behind Shieldwing
Calen: You have the key?
Garret produces a set of lockpicks from his belt pouch
Garret: Of course I do.
Delrid: If we run into him again, I’ll have to… give him a piece of my golem. And by a piece of my golem, I mean a golem fist to the face.
Dyami: Oh my god, Dante just wants to get everything working again so he can get booze. That’s what’s most frustrating about this – there’s no brewer. Now he’s regretting drinking all that booze in the desert. There’s none left!
Dyami: Yeah, Val is scary perceptive. Dante is… well, Dante’s usually wrong.
Rob: So it’s Val, Delrid, and Shieldwing.
Dyami: The arcanists.
Lucas: No, the mechanics and their future golem.
Will: …I need an adult.
Calen: I see Dante still has ongoing damage listed. Is that ongoing damage to his liver from drinking?
Shieldwing: (To Val) It’s not like you to take an interest in taking apart paintings, normally you save that sort of thing for something more mechanical, or Garret’s skull.
Delrid: Experiment log 28: I have discovered emotions to me more complex than originally predicted.
Chris: Personal token to whoever pushes Dante off the roof.
Rob: “Because of tentacles” is the worst reason for anything to happen. Even ice cream.
Rob: My point exactly!
Lucas: You don’t have to run faster than the zombies, you just have to run faster than your friends.
Lucas: You trip and fall into a volcano. Congratulations! The city is saved.
Will: Garret’s intimidate consists of running up and kicking him in the shins.
Adam: And then stealing all his money and running away.
Dyami: Acrobatics and Athletics are two of the most useful skills in the game. They keep you less dead than anything else.
Will: You’re so heavy, Delrid.
Lucas: You try carrying around an alchemy lab wherever you go.
Rob: He says to the man wearing full plate.
Dyami: I find it amusing that you have lightning coming out of your fists.
Will: I’d be more terrified if she had bees coming out of her fist. Let’s be honest, if you’re up against someone who shoots bees out of their hands, you’re going to lose.
Rob: That’s not very nice.
Dyami: Eh, I’ll be nice on a different day.
Dyami: It’s okay, I’ll burn it [an expensive resource]. Not dying is higher on my priority list.
Rob: I would just like to point out that as of now, more of you have jumped off the [50-foot-high] stairwell than have attempted to walk down it. Granted, there’s still some monsters in the way, but it was just like, vwoop! vwoop! vwoop!
Will: I like how they’re talking about moving quietly and stealthily through the dark when they’re accompanied by a six-foot-tall lizard in plate mail.
Rob: You realize that if you buy the jetpack, you’re making me complacent in you having a jet pack.
Alisha: Which is a problem why?
Rob: It’s a little like asking someone to cut out the switch they’re going to be beaten with!
Dyami: I didn’t follow Val. Val just happened to not follow the guide in the direction that I wanted to go.
Lucas: Why does this feel like a nerd fight, with all these low rolls?
Adam: Because you’re not Sigurd, and you are a nerd.
Lucas: What’s worse than a crazy dwarf? Two crazy dwarves!
Rob: Somewhere else, Shieldwing gets chills down his spine, and thinks “Wow, I’m really glad I’m somewhere else right now.”
Will: I’m surprised the dwarf hasn’t discovered steam power yet.
Rob: Steam power is overplayed – I’m going for magitech!
Will: Let’s hope no one connects the dots and realizes Shieldwing is a dragonborn…
Lucas: Oh hey, Shieldwing, come sit over here in this chair for a second—
Chris: Nah, Shieldwing’s only a tripe-A battery anyway. We need like a D.
Rob: What exactly were you trying to do?
Lucas: I’m… not sure, actually. I wasn’t expecting to roll that well.
Lucas: Nope, it was more of a “mockingly tries time travel, fails to time travel, rolls a 33, doesn’t know what to do.”
Adam: “Ends up in the future unexpectedly.”
Lucas: “sYou’re in the future. Roll a new character.”
Will: So should I roll a Perception check to see what he’s up to?
Rob: Acrobatics isn’t Stealth, so you might just see him doing strange contortionist things.
Will: Halflings shouldn’t bend that way…
Lucas: Delrid is still with Smiddy looking at all of his stuff. …We may or may not be building a time machine.
Lucas: I finished my goal of hunting down my neighbor and gutting him like a fish. Which did not go as planned.
Guard: What the… you’re not those things! Are you responsible for setting off the gap?
Val: Um, probably?
Dante: Not entirely.
Val: Sort of?
Dante: Kind of.
Rob: So it looks like Will is either going to be late or not able to make it this session. beat Perfect time to kill EVERYONE.
Chris: Out of character, how many people have good MBA’s?
Alisha: I have been doing my master’s too long; I was really confused why you were asking if people had good master’s of business.
Adam: Garret has a crap MBA because his main stat is dex. I think Kira might have a good one.
Dyami: Dante has a pretty lame MBA as well, he never completed finishing school and his grades in ettiqutte suffered because of it
Adam: Garret might have an MBA…it just doesn’t have his name on it :p
Lucas: Well, in the grand scheme of things, it was good, crap, crap, great…
Lucas: I don’t think the London Bridge is involved with Delrid blowing things up.
Alisha: I should hope not.
Lucas: One can never be sure…
Lucas: I don’t like where this is going. I’m messing around with acid in-game, and then I hear a fire alarm, and then Dyami sounds like he’s on fire. Delrid’s arcana is so good it even affects the real world – and he’s not even level 10 yet.
Rob: You guys are going to have the weirdest stories to tell from this campaign. In other campaigns, your stories are like, "I fell off a cliff and ran back up before the next adventure started. I bullrushed someone off a roof. I ate the Chaos God. But in this campaign, your stories are, “I survived a storm. I built a siege engine. I invented a lead-iron battery!”.
Adam: Don’t forget, we invented barrel rides!
Rob: Yes, Disneyland will owe you royalties. In this universe, anyway.
Lucas: Delrid’s only going to blow up the living room, and himself. And Val. And maybe the second floor. And probably the basement. And… how big is the neighborhood again?
Rob: Which end are you hooking up [to the battery], the magic or the electric?
Lucas: Um… let’s go with the electric, and if that doesn’t kill me, the magic one.
Lucas: I keep making new batteries, what’s the worst that could hap.. A lot.
Will: I think you’re inventing new ways to die.
Lucas: Oh no, that’s much easier.
Lucas: So Rob, entirely theoretically… how much damage would Garret take for drinking an entire potion of battery acid?
Adam: Not as much as you would take if he survives it.
Lucas: I HAD SIGNS! It is entirely your fault if you ignore said signs.
Adam: This is Garret we’re talking about. If he sees a sign that says “keep out”, he wants to break in.
Rob: After several minutes, nothing has exploded.
Lucas: Nothing new. Just Delrid being drunk with power. And electricity. And power.
Rob: 1 personal token to Shieldwing for being bored of all this nothing going wrong crap.
Will: It was normal!
Rob: Nothing bad happened! He didn’t sign on for this!
(Rob is complaining that his NPCs are doing well against Visitors)
Alisha: You can’t complain!
Rob: Yes I can.
Alisha: You put them there!
Rob: Yes, and I also put the terrain, the monsters, the stats, and what happens in the sunlight. That doesn’t mean I can’t complain that you guys are decimating this combat.
Adam: We have party radar!
Will: We know you too well, Rob. We can tell when you’re being maniacal.
Rob: Can you, now.
Will: The air gets a certain chill to it.
Rob: Saves on air conditioning.
Will: But it’s winter!
Rob: AIR CONDITIONING.
Chris: Just the usual DnD stuff, murder random people, loot, rinse, repeat.
DM: Can’t trust those halflings.
Calen: I trust ’em as much as they can see over counters.
Alisha: Oh man, it’s been so long since Val’s been in a combat, that I’ve forgotten how to be in a combat.
Rob: You act sensibly! And make sensible decisions, like running away, or—
Alisha: —punching it in the face?
Will: It doesn’t become a fart attack until I add poison damage to it.
Dan: Gaunak and Shieldwing were never this bad—
Rob: But Shieldwing’s the one you’re complaining about!
Dan: Did I say Shieldwing? I knew who I meant. …I’m going in a corner now.
Will: Why is it that in every game I get associated with slimes? In my other game, my character is now King of Slimes because there’s slimes who have declared him their master. The anti-social drow is now being followed around by a bunch of slimes he doesn’t want.
Will: Wait, why are we following a guy into darkness who’s known for leading people into darkness and then murdering them?
Alisha: “Murdering”. With big quotes.
DM: He’s known for taking people with him on hunting parties and everyone but him “dies.”
Will: Who thought this was a good idea? This was Calen’s plan, wasn’t it? I blame Calen.
Will: Basically, Garret’s the reason we don’t have nice things.
Alisha: Wait, what did Garret do this time?
Will: shrug I’unno.
Rob: I don’t know, if I saw someone blind flailing around with a sword, I’d be kind of threatened.
Dan: He’s threatening, but not targeting.
Will: He’s waving the sword threateningly at a tree somewhere: ‘Hah-hah!’
Rob: The tree feels very threatened.
Will: Shift and punch.
Rob: That doesn’t sound very effective.
Will: And by “punch” I mean “punch with my hammer”.
Rob: That’s not what “punch” means at all!
Alisha: Calen’s speaking more street.
Chris: Thieves’ cant.
Rob: But sometimes thieves can!
Adam: That was terrible.
Rob: And I feel great!
Dyami: I might regret it later, but I won’t regret it now!
Lucas: I can summon three minions, an obedient servant—
Will: Who is the ‘obedient servant’?
Lucas: I saw Pacific Rim the other day.
Alisha: Yay! So, Shieldwing’s armor?
Will: Uh… Shieldwing wants a new adventuring party…
Lucas: It’s okay, we’re just going to stick you in a giant furnace to power a treadmill. Jaeger. Did I say furnace? I meant treadmill. Perfectly innocent mistake.
Jimmy Jones: Ya know, I thought it mighta been you guys when someone was describin’ to me the guys who bullied their way out of their dues. Been holdin’ out up with Tolan?
Calen: Ya know, I take offense at the term bully.
Dante: We were… martially persuading them.
Will: I forgot, Dante just stores everything on his own body. Like a camel. A rum camel.
Rob: To be fair, J did look like he was about to do something stupid…
Adam: That’s our job.
Lucas: So everything involving hitting someone with a wrench is in character?
Adam: That’s what Val does!
Adam: I’ll be right back, I’m going to throw a pizza in the oven.
Lucas: I’ll be right back, I’m going to throw an oven in the pizza.
Rob: I liked going last, because I could wait for someone to get injured and then step in and help.
Will: You mean kill steal?
Rob: No, because Jarrett actually healed people.
Adam: This guy’s nearly at full health, so I’m going to be mean to him.
Rob: (sarcastically) Naw, I thought you were going to bake him cookies. [beat] Now I want cookies.
Rob: If you’re going to have a lava pit, you should have something on the other side for me to loot.
Rob: Garret’s philosophy: Blood, Sweat, and Tears; but if you’re doing it right none of them are yours.
Alisha: He picks up a hammer and it sparks with lighting. Shieldwing, are you Thor?
Dyami: And get electrocuted. Nerve damage.
Alisha: It’s more that when it hits him, he doesn’t get electrocuted.
Dyami: NERVE DAMAGE!
Lucas: Don’t drop the base, it’s very fragile.
Rob: *beatboxes *
Lucas: WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU.
Rob: It’s all right, at least I kept the halibut.
Garret: Val is collecting minions.
Val: I only have the one!
Shieldwing: What, you’re not counting the rest of the party?
Val: No. You’re slaves.
Lucas: So is it in a sealed case, or can we just grab it?
Rob: Well, it was in a sealed case. But then Garret looked at it.
Lucas: So what you’re saying is, it’s no longer in the sealed case.
Lucas: I made some great soup! You should drink it. It’s not battery acid.
Will: Garret goes first.
Lucas: Welp, we’re boned.
Dyami: When are we not boned?
Lucas: I bet I could blow up the city.
Will: Stop trying to blow things up!
Lucas: I should try. Do you think Rob would let me?
Will: You’d just blow up your beard.
Lucas: He doesn’t have a beard.
Will: All right, his eyebrows.
Lucas: I’m not sure he has those anymore, either…
Will: Why does it have to be a circle or a cylinder? Why can’t it be a cube or something?
Chris: Because he said it’s a circle on the ground.
Will: We spent the first hour shopping.
Lucas: Yeah, so we started late.
Will: Hush, you, I had to find the perfect shoes.
Lucas: That’s the kind of weird conversation I’m having with myself about my paragon path: Do I rip my arm off? Or not?
Alisha: How would that even work?
Adam: This isn’t Magic, this is D&D! They’re two totally separate games.
Adam: Oh, that’s what I took for my level 9 daily. I’m going to like this. …Rob’s not going to like this.
Alisha: That seems like a bad idea.
Lucas: That was Past Party’s decision, not Current Party’s decision.
Alisha: Well, Past Party is stupid.
Lucas: Past Party is usually stupid.
Rob: So the question becomes: Shieldwing, are you allowing these things to pass through your square?
Will: (indignant) No!
Rob: Well, that settles that. Prepare for damage!
Will: I should’ve brought J with me. Prepare to be part of the door!
Rob: Spoken like a true cat owner.
Lucas: My cat’s a special demon from Hell, not a normal demon from Hell.
Will: He’s afraid of bears.
Adam: That’s because bears ATE HIM.
Will: Stop being so tasty!
Will: Delrid doesn’t have anything to improve movement, does he?
Lucas: No, but I can light you on fire.
Will: I don’t think that’ll help.
Lucas: It’ll inspire you to move! Run around and stuff—
Will: No, that’s not how that works—
Lucas: —Get you moving, encourage you to move faster. …I’m gonna light you on fire.
Will: Garret, what did you do to piss off nature this time? That’s what it looks like on this map, that all of nature is coming to kill Garret.
Rob: It’s tentacle time!
Dyami: …Now that’s not something you hear every day.
Will: Garret. Trapped in a dark hallway with a tentacle monster.
Shieldwing: Take Delrid with you, at least.
Val: I don’t need a babysitter!
Garret: Yes you do.
Shieldwing: Besides, how do you know you’re not babysitting Delrid?
Delrid: I don’t need a babysitter, either!
Garret: Yes you do.
Rob: To reprise a quote from earlier in the campaign: Our paragon of anti-criminal behavior, everyone.
Dyami: Hey, she hasn’t broken any laws.
Rob: No, just psychologically tortured an NPC into catatonia.
Alisha: Yeah, but I haven’t broken any laws!
Will: Do we have any elves in the party?
Alisha: Calen’s a half-elf.
Will: Does Calen have any hair? I’m going to shave Calen and glue it to Delrid.
Will: No one takes a beardless dwarf seriously!
Lucas: SAY THAT TO MY MAGMA CANNON!
Rob (deadpan): Ha-ha, magma cannon. Ha-ha, I’m burning to death.
Adam: That’s the real reason necromancers are evil. They have to put up with condescending ghosts wherever they go.
Dan: Shieldwing spoke?
Rob: No, Shieldwing raised his eyebrow very loudly.
NPC: What happened to that rube we stuck?
Dyami (ooc): Rube? RUBE?!! This “rube” is gonna stick you. This rube’s gonna murder you. continues grumbling
[5 minutes later]
Dyami: “Rube,” pft. I don’t need her approval.
Rob: Shieldwing! You’re a target.
Lucas: He’s not a target. He’s our future golem. Mech. Mechanical thing. Jaeger! That’s the word I’m looking for.
Will: Are you going to make me use my Boundless Endurance regeneration this encounter?
Rob: We’ll see. Then you can be a pinata forever!
Will: I don’t think “flesh golems” and “cute” go together.
Lucas: You don’t think Delrid is good enough to make a cute flesh golem?
Chris: Not with those Arcana rolls, he’s not.
Lucas: Nice knowing you, Garret. You’ll be, uh… missed?
Adam: That’s Shieldwing trying Diplomacy. It actually came out as Intimidation.
Lucas: We joked about making a lava cannon. In fact, we made a lightning cannon.
Will: And you’re never allowed to use it again.
Fred: They’re calling for support.
Rob: Their support is missing. And by “missing”, I mean “deceased”.
Dyami: I found an armor that protects you from scrying, but how often does that come up?
Rob: Note to self: start scrying.
Dyami: Note to self: Buy armor.
Rob: Note to self: Start scrying quickly!
Lucas: Note to self: take more notes.
Adam: Why would anybody think Garret did it?! He’s the nicest guy!
Will: Because he wanted the loot inside.
Adam: Well, the thought did cross his mind…
Adam: And the halfling (thief) is hiding in the pile of treasure.
Rob: Just remember, if you steal it, it won’t hide you any more.
Val: I’m not a biologist, I work on armor, okay?
Shieldwing: That’s never stopped you before!
Val: Oooh! Pierced wings! We can give you jewelry!
Will (ooc): You are NOT bedazzling him.
Adam (ooc): Your new nickname is going to be Sparkles.
Shieldwing (ic): I want a new mechanic.
Will: Where are we going to find food?
Lucas: You just spawned chicken wings.
Will: They’re not very big.
Lucas: I’m not very hungry.
Lucas: Why are you complaining? You have wings!
Will: That you want to eat!
Will: You human females are so strange.
Rob: Actually, I think that might just be Val.
Will: Shieldwing has wandered away because he has absolutely nothing he can do to help with the building of mechanical things.
Alisha: …Are you sure?
Will: That doesn’t involve being an experiment!
Dyami: Dante, teach me how to hide!
Rob: Step one: Don’t be a huge dragonborn in scale mail with wings.
Rob: If I wanted to poison you guys, I wouldn’t even have to make an effort. There are plenty of things you guys will put in your mouths of your own volition.
Everyone: dead silence
Everyone: peals of laughter
Rob: I know what I said, and I stand by what I said.
Delrid: Well, I did kill that king once…
Shieldwing: Right, so a noblewoman should be no problem for you.
Delrid: I am a gentleman, good sir.
Shieldwing: No you’re not, you’re a dwarf.
Alisha: Leave Cade alone, what did he ever do to you!
Everyone else: Everything!
Adam: He touched my sister.
Rob: I bit your sister. To be fair, it fixed her issues, but still.
Will: Let’s have Val build a hyperbolic time chamber.
Lucas: That’s a terrible idea. Let Delrid do it instead.
(While Val is working on making a mechanical voice box for the mute PC)
Will: So Val successfully creates the third member of Daft Punk?
DM: She’s just autotuned from then on.
DM: Of course, autotuning nothing would just lead to differenly pitched ellipses.
Will: You never know. Zombies always strike when you least expect it.
Lucas: Nothing is more frightening than track zombies.
Will: Don’t argue with the crazy mechanic-slash-dentist.
Rob: (coughing) Yay, inhaling water
Adam: That is not how you drink.
Will: I was about to say “Water, you are not a fish”
Lucas: That is technically true.
Will: Is Calen trying to organize a posse?
Lucas: Wait, I thought we already were a posse. Has someone been lying to me?
Will: You don’t have the hat for a posse.
Lucas: I can’t picture Delrid wearing any kind of hat, actually. It’d catch on fire. Maybe a welding mask…
Will: Dante takes to murder like Val takes to building.
(walking into the library where we were previously attacked by ninjas)
Will: Should we be worried about ninjas this time, too?
Adam: We should always be worried about ninjas. You never know when they’re going to strike.
Rob: Kira just sits in the corner and looks at the camera.
Dante: It’s a shorthand way of asking, can we get rich off it?
Alisha (ooc): Oh my god, Dante.
Dyami (ooc): Dante’s just being practical! To a fault.
Lucas: Hypothetically, has anyone gone missing at night? Purely hypothetically. …For science.
(regarding a magical map that is automatically tracing the party’s path through the city)
Garret: Wow, this is going to be really useful. I won’t have to draw out maps when casing businesses anymore. [beat] Oh… and it can help us save the city too, I hope.
DM: Oh, it’s a rock. It just multi-classed.
Lucas: What, you’ve never heard of a multi-classed rock before?
DM: It’s pretty deep! It’s got strata!
Lucas: I’m sure Rob regrets nothing.
Rob: I’m grinning. Does that count?
Rob: (when Garret attacks a zombie) No! Don’t do it! He has so much to li— Well. To not live for.
Rob: I thought you were trying to get through this campaign without becoming someone’s summon.
Will: No, I’m just trying to get through this campaign without letting them [Val and Delrid] take me apart.
Lucas: We won’t take you apart, we’ll use you as a test subject! They’re completely different. Get it straight.
(right after stealing from the town guards’ treasure room)
Alisha: WHY ARE THERE SO MANY GUARDS HERE?
Rob: Because we’re in their camp!
Alisha: But I have a guilty conscience…
Rob: One of the keys to a healthy adventuring party is to avoid investigating too closely when some of the group goes missing around the legionnaires’ treasure vault.
Rob: Did you guys know that at level 12 there’s a war shark?
Lucas: A were-shark?
Rob: No, a war shark, like a shark for war.
Lucas: I don’t know that that’s any better.
Rob: It could just be both.
Rob: This thing might kill you. [beat] Sounds like fun!
Lucas: We need more ranged encounters. I haven’t had enough chances to use my alchemical long-range sniper rifle.
Alisha: That is a terrifying combination of words.
Lucas: The best part is that I can shoot poison-acid bullets!
Lucas: Ever since getting the gun, I see no use for throwing my alchemical ingredients. Why throw it when I can shoot it out of a gun?
Lucas: Val has Alertness?
Will: She’s alert. That doesn’t mean she’s paying attention.
Will: She’s NOT putting a saddle on Shieldwing.
Lucas: You say that like you have a choice. Or like she needs one.